Month: April 2016

Finding Purpose with a DD214

It’s hard to describe the struggle of finding meaning and purpose to a civilian; this is something only a veteran will understand and appreciate.

Purpose in the military

I remember quite clearly the day I drove onto Fort Bragg, fresh out of Ranger School and ready to lead men into combat.  I arrived at the 504th HQ and immediately took on the monicker of the Devils in Baggy Pants, a name earned in WWII given to the brigade by a german soldier.  I wore a US Flag on one shoulder, and the All American unit patch on the other.  From my first day, I represented much more than just myself.  I belonged to an elite group of men with a rich history.

 

It was more than being a part of a group with history though, it was also the gravity of what I was doing.  I was fighting for my country, ready and willing to sacrifice everything for the greater good.  The spartans came home with their shields or on them, I was similarly coming home with my flag or under it.  Every formation, every training exercise, every action I took in uniform was about sharpening myself and my men so we could make the other poor bastard die for his country.

Then I got my DD214…

Both Chad and I have told you many times, and i’ve written about it in the book, to make sure to answer why you’re getting out (1, 2).  It’s because both of us understand how difficult it is to find a purpose greater than yourself when you’re not in anymore.  To a civilian, that might not seem like such a big deal, but to a veteran, nothing is more important.

You didn’t joint the military because you cared about yourself, you did it because you cared about something greater than yourself.  You were a cog, and for many that served with you, you were an integral part of their lives.  Now what?

I don’t live to earn money.  Money is a necessity to survive, but having it doesn’t really motivate me.  I would go through a lot more pain and suffering to earn a cloth tab than to earn a dollar.

I also don’t live to work for my employer.  I know, that’s like a taboo thing to say, but I’m not willing to die for my company, but I was and am still very willing to die for my former employer:  The United States of America.   There are very few things I wouldn’t do to protect the red, white and blue, there’s no way to replicate that in the civilian world.

So?  Now what?

First, if you have a good “why” maybe that is your purpose.  Maybe you need to get involved in helping veterans or doing something for your community.  Maybe you need to run for office, or maybe you need to volunteer at church.

What you’re missing is the selfless-sacrifice that formed the keystone of everything else you did.

For me, I volunteer at church, give tons to charity, run this blog, support vets, and I live for my family.  My motivation to kick ass at work and earn money is so that I can continue to fund the efforts that make up my new purpose…a purpose that is bigger than me.

What’s yours?

 

 

-LJF



A Psychologist’s Perspective

Today we welcome another contributor to CONUS Battle Drills: Spartan.  As a young man he joined the US Army and was an 82nd Airborne medic.  He left the military and got a doctorate in psychology then practiced as a naval officer for over 20 years before retiring.  He’s been in special operations and worked on several secret squirrel programs.  In order to protect his family, his patients, and his current job, his identity will remain a secret for now.

A Psychologist’s Turn

They will beat their swords into plowshares and their spears into pruning hooks (Isaiah 2:4)

…For I will turn their mourning into joy, and will comfort them and give them joy for their sorrow (Jeremiah 31:13).

While these verses refer to a time in the future when God will turn our sadness into joy and Peace will reign on earth, for many of us, as we transition out of the military, this can become our hope as well as our challenge.

As we leave the fellowship of the warriors and the sights and sounds of war begin to fade, we are faced with the new task of finding a new purpose, a new direction in a world that is much different and in which we don’t seem to fit in very well. We are left with our memories and our hurts, and for many, those are constant companions that will haunt our everyday, as one senior NCO dramatically confessed to me when he told me his fallen comrade would come to him in dreams to blame him for his death. Of course, he was not responsible for his death, but all the same he felt guilty; at the end, he had survived, while his friend had given the last “full measure of devotion”. However, he needed to punish himself because at least, that guilt kept him alive, authentic, and engaged.

Each one of us has a particular story, and we need to understand it, process it, own it, and then make it our motivation to propel us forward to make our lives and our journey worthwhile. Just as the last scene in Saving Private Ryan, when the now old soldier stands by the grave of the man who gave his life, so he could have his; in this moment, he believed he had lived a life that had been worth saving.

But the process is difficult for all, for some, even so much more. Once a hardened Delta Operator guy came into my office to discuss something “embarrassing”. As he sat in front of me he begins to tell me he is retiring from the military in a few weeks, after many years of service. He had been a boxer, a soldier, a veteran of multiple combat missions. He had seen great horror and suffering, and through all, he had been steadfast, loyal, courageous, and always did his duty. He had recently married, and together with his new bride, they were building a new business. Life was good, peaceful, and he felt happy and confident regarding his future.

Then, he tells me why he came to see me: “Doc the other day my wife and I were home and decided to have a quiet night watching a movie and being with each other. My wife chose a “chick movie” to watch and I didn’t care.” Then he paused and with great effort he continues-“Would you believe doc, that half way through this movie, I began to shed tears, and my wife turned to me and said What’s wrong honey?” There was the perennial tough guy, proven in battle, now crying to a chick movie, in front of his new bride!

We discussed his story in detail. We understood that through the years of service, he needed to keep his emotions under control in order to do his job; he needed to do this for himself and for the others that depended on him. Now, as he was transitioning to a new life, and this control was no longer necessary, he was allowing himself to feel those emotions; that was an important part of his own healing. I suggested that for a time, he would probably be more emotional than usual, but eventually he would feel better. I also encouraged him to follow up in psychotherapy to work out the kinks. Last I heard from him was three days before I left SOUTHCOM. He wanted me to know he was doing well, he was happy with his life, back to himself and he had fired his Psychologist (that is another story).

While we all may have different needs and challenges, these two tasks are necessary: we must find new meanings and new projects and we need to heal our hurts. We can’t live stuck in the past, chained to our present, and fearful of the future. There is no shame in admitting to our need for help; we owe this to ourselves, and to those with whom we share our lives.  This is now our new mission.

Spartan

 




Will Your Marriage Survive?

I want to ask you a question about your marriage.  Obviously I will not know the answer unless you chose to tell me, but I want you to really take a moment and answer the question before you read on:

Why did you get Married?

Now are any of your answers like the ones below?

  1. She made me laugh
  2. She had a wonderful personality
  3. I couldn’t stop looking at her
  4. She complimented me well
  5. I wanted a family and I knew she would make a great mom
  6. She had the same interests as me

Maybe your answer wasn’t on the list above, but did it describe a way that SHE made YOU happy?

Look at my made up list.  The common theme there is that every one of those reasons are something that she does for me.  What happens when one of those things go away?  Do your reasons for marriage collapse now?

How many of you have gotten a wandering eye when your partner stopped pleasing you?  It was all her fault right?

Is your viewpoint that your marriage is supposed to SERVE you?

Let me put this in a way that anyone that has spent more than 5 minutes in the military can understand:

There are two types of leadership perspectives in the military.  One that places the soldiers first.  This leader understands that it is his duty to train, equip, and protect his soldiers.  He sees his position as one of service to his men.  He eats after they do, sleeps after they do, and isn’t afraid to do the terrible jobs alongside his men.  For his service, they will literally follow him into hell with smiles on their faces.  His leadership will create a cohesive team where the bonds of brotherhood will never be broken.

Then there is the asshole who sees a leadership position as an opportunity to advance his own career.  This fuckstick will do as little as possible when his superiors aren’t present.  His goal is to use the leadership position for his own aggrandizement.  The team becomes fractured and his men will never fully trust him.

So let me ask, what kind of leader are you in your marriage?

Let that sink in for a moment buddy, are you serving your family, or are you expecting them to serve you?

So you decide, what kind of husband are you going to be?



Life after the military can be tough, don’t make it tougher by not being prepared.  Get CONUS Battle Drills today!

Center of Gravity- Part 2

My parents are far from perfect (so am I) but they are my biggest heroes. I still admire and respect many of our national heroes (God knows there are and have been some GREAT ones) but truthfully none of those people have influenced me in the same intimate capacity.  Popular national heroes, like George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King Jr., The Wright Brothers, Helen Keller, Neil Armstrong, Jackie Robinson, and SO many more, typically influence us in grand theoretical ways. They display attributes that we desire to have ourselves. They behave in ways that we respect. They teach us lessons through their own struggles and stories. But it is the names (like Bruce and Leslie Shields; and Randy and Mary Paulson) that most people have never heard of that are actually in the trenches with us. As a former military officer I am well aware that the “cream rises to the top.” Enlisted men and women hardly get the recognition that they deserve. Their successes become their boss’s successes. Names like Patton, Eisenhower, and MacArthur are easy to remember but who can name two of their staff members or name their respected Command Sergeant’s Majors?

My point is this; some people will get recognized more than others. It’s simply a fact of life. However, we must never lose sight of reality. It was the unrecognized people who actually tossed hand grenades and manned the machine guns that truly won the day. Not the well known “face-man” alone.

The family-unit is our proverbial foot soldier. They are the “no-names, forgotten-names, and often taken-for-granted-names.’ They are the ones duking it out in close quarter combat. In present-day America, it is my opinion that, the family-unit is engaged in trench warfare of its worst kind. Bayonets are fixed and survival is on the line. If we lose this fight, if the family-unit does not survive, our source of strength will be gone. We will have lost our CoG as a nation and subsequently everything else we hold dear.

I do honestly believe that EVERYTHING we have achieved as a nation started around the fire pit, dinner table, or family room.

Where else do you learn the bedrock principles and values that carry over onto a national stage?

Beliefs like hard work, honesty, courage, self-reliance, generosity, etc. matter and are what we should aspire to achieve (or live out). These types of beliefs were not, are not, or ever will be government created or inspired things.  They are ideals and they are passed on from one generation to the next through the family-unit.

Every time we think these critical beliefs and principles are being corroded in our country, I would challenge us to also look at the status of the family-unit. I think we will find a scary correlation.

Louis devotes a lot of time to writing about his experiences as a husband and father. He openly shares his struggles at it. I appreciate his candidness. Honestly, I think parenting as become more difficult for all of us. Not just veterans.

I believe it has become more difficult for parents because it has become more difficult to be a child in this country. Children are under a burden unlike anything we have seen in the past. American children are being pressured from so many angles; by their peers, our media, schools, and parents themselves. They are expected to act like adults and make adult decisions without actually ever growing up and experiencing life. Several cultural changes have had tremendous impacts against the family-unit, especially for the parents. Financial tension in families is increased because of the status of our economy. Parents have a shorter fuse when they come home stressed. I think single parenting is the climax of this stress. Thus, the rising divorce rate affects all of us.

I felt like when I grew up (in my respected town and neighborhoods) everyone had similar values and beliefs. No matter where you went to play, the rules were pretty much the same. Almost everyone’s parents had the same standards and expectations. I don’t think this is true anymore. Not for my children and future generations anyway. Every family seems to have their own standards. Our children experience many versions of right and wrong. This is confusing to children. These changes in society are having an effect on the family-unit as a whole. Everything from how we discipline or children to how we empower them is being challenged. Old ways won’t work anymore. My parents’ “way of doing business” were simple solutions for a society with simple problems. I think it is more complicated today. I think refined solutions to parenting and efforts at preserving the family-unit are required. (Sal Severe, Ph.D. and author of “How to behave so your children will, too”)

For the sake of our children we need to get involved as veterans. We need to cope with the discomfort of all these home adversities and the times we live in. Becoming a Soldier, Airman, Seaman, or Marine means that some part of you was willing to sacrifice, take on the scary job, or do what others were too intimidated to do. Well, welcome to being a spouse and being a parent. It is scary. There are a lot of unknowns and it is not for the faint of heart. But, it is where the fight is. It is where you (all of us) are needed. Get into fight. If you want to throw some hand grenades and be a real difference maker: make dinner, do the dishes, change a diaper….

In summary, I believe that the family-unit is America’s CoG and I believe it is being threatened significantly. I have put my money where my mouth is. I have gone “Gold to Green.” I have given up my rank and status and climbed into the trenches because I believe it is important.

I believe whom parents actually were is less important than the memories and perceptions their child had of them.

I am not going to let this fight go uncontested. I hope you won’t either.

family