Why People Like Me Commit Suicide

A few days ago I received the message below from a former NCO.  I had no idea the impact I had in his life simply by being there for him when he needed it.  I am sharing this with his permission…

My name is Steve Meyers and I would like to start a discussion about, why people like me commit suicide. You see, I am a combat veteran with PTSD. I am no longer close with my family and I don’t have a lot of friends. Which means, I have almost nobody to talk to.

I have been depressed more than once in my life. Each time, it gets harder to pull myself out of it. When you are depressed it is easy to think nobody cares, maybe nobody would notice you were gone, and the worst, maybe they are better off without me. Those are the thoughts that hurt the most and they kill people like me. I wanted to talk about that. The number one reason people like me commit suicide, is relationships or more specifically their lack of relationships.

People like to think the loss of a single relationship is the reason someone commits suicide. No, it was just the last relationship that was worth living for. We rarely like to ask, what happened to all of the other deep and meaningful relationships? We know the answer. We neglected them and we let the relationship die.

We didn’t do it all at once. It wasn’t an immediate break-up. It happened slowly over time. It starts when you are away from each other. You see the other person less, so you talk with them less. As the amount of interaction time decreases, so does the number of things you share. Which means you have less of those bonding moments. Those shared experiences and the things that kept you emotionally close. This is how you grow apart.

When I was living in Germany, nobody told me my grandmother had died. They all thought someone else had told me. I found out she was gone when I was home on leave after I said I was going to go visit her. Finding out that way, meant I was forced to grieve all on my own, at a memorial attended by only one person, me.

Over time, the emotional distance with my family has increased. We have less frequent deep and meaningful conversations. So, I want people to learn from my story. I want everyone to know the secret to maintaining a close relationship is just staying in regular contact. When you stay in regular contact you have more opportunities to share, to have those shared experiences with each other. The ability to confide in one another and to know what’s going on. If you find yourself going down the lonely path of isolation, and you want to revitalize those dying relationships, you need to be in regular contact.

People in general tend to trust people with what they think those people can handle. So, if I can trust you with a small secret, there is a chance I can trust you with a medium- sized secret. However, if I cannot trust you with a medium-sized secret, then I definitely will not tell you about the big secrets.

This is why most people self-censor while serving in a combat zone. I did it and now, I am paying the cost of my actions. I thought I was protecting my family by not telling them I was doing dangerous missions. I knew they would have a hard time knowing I was in mortal danger on a regular basis. So, I didn’t tell them. I pretended everything was okay. Now, I can’t talk to them about things like that. If you are not going to trust them with small pieces of bad news, you will never feel okay with trusting them with the stuff of your nightmares.

I was raised by a single mother. I grew up on welfare and lived in subsidized low- income housing. My mom worries about the family every day. I have seen her blank stare while she spins the ring on her finger. While she runs through all of the terrible scenarios in her head. I have seen her become racked with anxiety over bad news. Which is why I do not talk to her about the really bad things. I don’t know if she can handle it.

I got to know my father when I was in high school. I love my dad even though him and I have never really been close. He has always been a sensitive person, who tends to insulate himself from others. It is how he protects himself. Half of the time when I call he chooses to let the phone ring. When I manage to get him on the phone he almost always says he is in the middle of something and I get the impression he wants to end the call quickly. We don’t talk about the really bad stuff.

I am the eldest of 5. When I left home at age 20 I told myself that I was going to help my family escape poverty. I was going to learn how to be successful and come home and teach my family how to become successful. Over the last 20+ years my siblings and I invested very little time into our relationship and we have grown apart. Today, I am now little more than a stranger to them. I have reached out to them several times in hopes of rebuilding a relationship, but my reality today is so different than theirs. So, our conversations are awkward. Sometimes I think I should just quit trying.

I was really close with my uncle and used to seek his opinion on most things. He was the executor of my estate. He was one of the few people I trusted with the full truth. Last year his wife posted something on Facebook and I called her out for it. Now, him and I only seem to talk when she is not around.

Last week I was in Washington staying in someone’s guest room. My girlfriend was sleeping on the air mattress next to me. I cried for over an hour, until I finally fell asleep. It took me a week to tell her why, and I took a big risk telling her. You see, when a man is vulnerable and weak around a woman, she loses respect for him. Women that lose respect for their man leave. They leave. I really don’t want to be more isolated that I already am, but I need to talk to someone. So, I took the risk.

Opening up to people about PTSD is a very scary thing because it has such a harsh stigma. People automatically think you are a mad man, forever damaged, and a danger to society. They make fear-based decisions that change almost everything about how they interact with you, and you can tell.

When I was going through something emotionally heavy while in the military, my Army buddies were there for me. Now, that I am out of the military they are still the ones I can turn to them for things I cannot go to anyone else for. There is a reason why I can pick up the phone and talk with them and it will seem as if we were never far apart. There is a reason why it hits us so hard when we hear they died. It hurts even more when it was by their own hands. The reason is simple, we are a lot alike and if it can happen to them, it can happen to me.

Before you get too excited, I am not suicidal and I have no intention of harming myself, but there was a time after my wife died when I had plans to kill myself. Which is why I would like to publicly thank Louis Fernandez for being there when I was struggling to find a reason to live.

I have seen a lot of Facebook posts where people will say “call me if you need anything”. I would like them to stop. It’s a hollow phrase meant to ease your own personal guilt. If someone you care about needs help. Help them. Don’t wait for them to ask for help. Imagine you see someone hanging from the edge of a cliff. You don’t tell them to reach up and grab your hand. No. It’s too risky. There is a high likelihood they will fall. You reach down, grab them, and pull them up. You have to take action. That’s how you save them. Telling someone a hollow phrase doesn’t help. Stop doing it. Get involved.

If the things in this message resonate with you, join the discussion. Online comments and shares help to spread the message, but the offline conversations are what we really need. If you need to start it by sending a meme, a text message, or even a post card. Do it. Talk to them. Have those conversations. More than 20 veterans a day commit suicide. Just talk with them, it really is that simple. Just talk with them. That’s how you stop suicides.

I’d like to publicly thank Steve for his courage in posting this message.

-LJF

 

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Break the Chain

We don’t need another awareness campaign about veteran suicide.  Plenty of people are aware that every day veterans are taking their lives.  What we need is action, and we need to stop looking around at other people seeing they are going to do something about it.  I started CONUS Battle Drills because I simply could not sit idle any longer while my brothers tore themselves apart.  Today I present #BreakTheChain, an effort to educate veterans and arm each and every one of us to combat this epidemic.  Watch the video below or click here:

 

 

YOU can help #BreakTheChain by getting yourself prepared and understanding the four big questions, YOU can call a buddy today to see how he is doing, and YOU can promise not to quit.  If there were millions of us looking out for each other, working together, checking up on each other, and educating each other, we can stop veteran suicide.

Let’s stop looking to government or someone else, let’s look at ourselves and figure out how we can take care of just one or two people…together we can affect serious, lasting, positive change.

#BreakTheChain

-LJF

 

Click the image below to find out what we’re doing here at CONUS Battle Drills!

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Never Surrender

Since I started CONUS Battle Drills I’ve had many people send me resume’s to review, ask me tips on handling headhunters and recruiters, and even helped proofread some college papers, but I was really unprepared for the conversation I had last night (even though I probably should have been).

A battle buddy of mine that I used to serve with gave me a call to talk about a friend of his that is getting out of the army (Let’s call him John).  John suffered a combat injury that has left him with chronic pain, and that pain has led to many more issues to include substance abuse, marital problems, and depression.  John is also getting out of the Army soon and doesn’t seem to have a plan for what he wants to do.  My battle buddy gave me an open-ended question asking for advice on how to handle this situation or what advice to give to his friend.

Now if you follow this page at all, you should have noted that John is on the path noted in Dark Night of the Soul and is exhibiting many of the risk factors for suicide.  If John doesn’t make some changes, there is a very good chance he is going to become another statistic and through his surrender, another family is going to be broken.

risk factors

 

If you’ve read the book, then you know that one of the objectives of CONUS Battle Drills is to prepare guys in such a way that they can address some of these risk factors and get on the path to healing and success.  I am not qualified to help John through many of his problems, and neither is my battle buddy, but together we are the first line of defense and can get him the real, professional help that he needs.

Surrender

My heart breaks for guys like John, but he is surrendering.  It’s easier to get up and ring the bell during hell week than to continue to suffer.  It’s easier to quit in mountain phase of ranger school than to endure another two months of pain.  It’s easier to drop out in selection than to continue to roll in the log pit filling your pockets with vomit.  The hard part, and the part that makes it all worthwhile, is to fight on, push past your limits and succeed in your goal.

Gentlemen, getting drunk and high, divorcing your wife, losing your job, that’s surrender.  You know what’s hard?  Fighting an addiction, repairing a marriage and building trust, getting promoted, even apologizing.  I’m not going to marginalize John’s problems, however, and just say that a change in attitude is going to fix everything because it’s not, but he needs to make a commitment mentally to get off the path of least resistance, get back on azimuth, and start working towards what is important in order to find healing and satisfaction.

What is Important to You?

The second big question is to understand why you are getting out.  We have explored that extensively and even argued about whether that needs to be the first big question instead of the second.  Understanding what is important to you is very similar to the why because it becomes the overarching goal in which all other smaller goals will fall.

Using my earlier examples, the guys who eventually earn the SEAL Trident, Ranger Tab, or Special Forces Tab went to that school with the mental attitude that no matter what, they were going to achieve that goal, but they also compartmentalized their problems and challenges and created a series of small goals that were attainable that fed into the overall goal:  Pass the PT test, don’t fall out of the run, find the next point in land nav, get over this obstacle, don’t quit.  Even though surrender was an option at every turn, they avoided it because it didn’t fit into their overall goal.

So let me ask the question, What is most Important to You in Life?  Think about everything that you could lose, which of those things would be the absolute worst?  To me, it’s my family.  I can lose my job, my house, all my things, but all of those can be replaced, my family can’t.  Therefore every action I take, every decision I make, I ask myself whether or not that action or decision is helping to preserve that which matters most to me.  If the answer is “no” then I need to correct my course, get off the path to surrender, and move back towards my objective.

Paying the Small Debts First

I’m a big fan of Dave Ramsey and his Financial Peace University.  In many cases of soldiers that I work with, financial strife is the first problem that they face and things snowball from there.  Dave Ramsey gives counseling every day to people sometimes hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt, and his advice always starts with paying the small debts first.  This gives us the opportunity to take some weight out of our rucksacks a little at a time, develop good habits, and prepare us to take on the biggest monsters because the ankle biters have been taken care of and we can laser focus on the bigger issues.

In John’s case, however, finances have become a symptom or a consequence of his initial injury that drove his addiction.  Now he’s facing a major life change by getting out with no job, no career goals, and no focus.  This is compounding problems in his marriage, making him want to quit.  In John’s case, finding a job is his smallest debt.

Let me put it this way:  John isn’t going to wake up tomorrow and not have pain.  He isn’t going to wake up and not have an addiction.  He isn’t going to wake up and not have any problems in his marriage.  There is no action he can take today to make those problems go away.  In fact, he will be fighting those battles for many years to come, BUT he can wake up tomorrow and have a job!  He can take a single action this afternoon and tomorrow wake up with a career; it’s a small victory and one he certainly needs in his life right now.

John also needs to get off the path of surrender and do the hard task of asking for professional help with his addiction, managing his pain, and repairing his marriage.  Gentlemen, going to a mental health professional doesn’t make you weak.  It’s hard to admit that you need help, the mistake is thinking you can do it alone.

Conclusion

I know a lot of you are suffering like John is, and too many of our brothers out there are quitting life because they can’t handle the enormity of their problems.  I want you to know that there is help, there is healing, and you are not alone.  One of the pillars of my strength come from God, and I encourage you to seek Him out.  Even if you don’t believe, joining a men’s group where you can talk openly with other men facing the same problems will give you great strength just like your battle buddy did in combat.  Please don’t surrender, there are people in this world that are counting on you, and to them what you have done in your life makes you their hero.  You can do this and there are people that can help.

God Bless every one of you!

-LJF

Getting out of the military is hard!  Don’t make it harder on yourself by not being prepared!  Buy CONUS Battle Drills:  A Guide for Combat Veterans to Corporate Life, Parenthood, and Caging the Beast Inside!

The Power of Perspective

This is my friend Steve.  He’s one of my favorite people in the office:

steve

Steve is one of our test engineers here at John Deere, and an integral member of our team.  He is hardworking, honest, and always has a positive attitude.

I first met Steve about a year ago when I moved cross-country and started working in North Carolina.  We shared a corner of a large cubical farm and both of us being early risers meant that we generally had some time to chat each day before most people showed up to work. I looked forward to those morning conversations, learning about him and his interests, but most of all, I loved his perspective on life.

I remember the first time he told me about Muscular Dystrophy, it was in passing, and it seemed to me he was determined to not let a disease define who he was.  As the months went by, I noticed a wheelchair brought into our cubical and asked him about it.  It was there in case of an emergency evacuation; he can’t move as fast as others.  Then he said something that I doubt he even remembers, “I’m blessed that I still can…” and then went on to list a bunch of things that he still could do.

BLESSED?!

Here is a guy that has every reason to be angry at God and his response is faithfulness and thankfulness that he “still can”!  I thought it was amazing and inspiring, and it was an affirmation for me to continue to focus on my own blessings and stop zeroing in on every problem I have.  I needed to really consider my own perspective.

My Inspiration

Steve is no longer my cube mate, he had to move closer to the entry door to the factory, and just a few weeks ago I noticed he had a powered chair.  We spoke a bit and he opened up about some of the difficulty he was facing: how tired he was, how he couldn’t play with his beautiful daughter, and how this chair was changing all of that for him.  I found out that although the health insurance paid for the chair, they wouldn’t pay for the new, specially modified vehicle he had to buy to transport it.  When I expressed shock at that, he merely responded,  “It’s cool, I had this planned for a while.”

It’s cool?!

Here is a guy having to buy a car worth almost as much as a house due to his medical condition, getting no financial support to do so, and he can only talk about how it’s great that he was prepared and had enough income to take it on.

He told me another joke, we laughed for a bit, and I drove home.  On my drive I began to think of how I would deal with what Steve is going through right now, and realized that I have a lot to learn from him.  I also realized that I am wasting the blessing of good health.  If i was unable to run, I’d probably complain about it, even though I rarely do it now. So I got back into the gym the next day.

Perspective

I was on the elliptical one morning not long after my decision to work out more when it hit me that a healthy body wasn’t the only blessing that so many people take for granted.  We’re so preoccupied on having more, that we rarely stop to appreciate what we currently have.  Our homes, our familes, our cars, a full belly.  I’m not cold, wet, hungry, or tired.  I’m not getting shot at, and i’m sleeping in a comfy bed with air conditioning.  I have a comfortable pair of shoes and new clothes.  I shower every day and have furniture in my house.  I own several televisions, I have internet, a phone.  The list goes on.

I have seen and lived among people that pray every day to be exactly where I am right now; am I thankful enough?  Are you?

My friend is going through a tough time.  This is the card he has been dealt, but instead of wallowing, he is inspiring.  Instead of faltering, he is ever more faithful.  Instead of depression, he spreads an infectious smile.  I need to be more like Steve, and in the age of the victim, I think we ALL need to be more like Steve.

What’s your perspective?

-LJF

Getting out of the military is hard!  Don’t make it harder on yourself by not being prepared!  Buy CONUS Battle Drills:  A Guide for Combat Veterans to Corporate Life, Parenthood, and Caging the Beast Inside!