After about the first six seconds of a real firefight, all you can hear is a loud ringing in your ear that pings to a higher painful pitch with each trigger pull and nearby explosion. So you yell and communicate with hand arm signals basically.
“Shoot him.”
Two men died at that order and pandemonium ensued. We found ourselves quickly surrounded and outnumbered and within the first few minutes, as the accuracy and volume of fire increased and our radio communications died, I realized that we needed to get out. I gave the order to break contact and the battle drill began.
At one point I looked to my left and noticed a pizza hat pop up over the mountain less than 25 meters away.
The enemy soldier was behind and above my fire team, in an excellent position to shoot every one of them. I raised my weapon and fired. The first round popped some rocks in front of him, the second was closer to being on target. As he flinched and looked up, he noticed me. I could see the fear in his eyes as I let rounds three and four fly while improving my standing firing position. He took off in a sprint and I continued firing, leading him just slightly. Somewhere between rounds 8-12 he abruptly dropped back below the mountaintop.
No thanks to my terrible accuracy under fire, Intelligence told us we killed 9 men that day. I had watched the first two go down, and i’m pretty sure a couple others took a LAW rocket to the face, but i’m not sure whether Mr. Pizza Hat was one of them.
What Should I Feel?
I’ve heard so many people say that taking a life isn’t easy, but I really never thought it was that hard. Combat was surreal to me. I remember looking into the lifeless eyes of a man missing half his skull and it felt like a movie. I never watched a man die at my hands, except maybe Mr. Pizza Hat, but I did watch men die, and the part that bothers me most is how little I feel.
I was doing a job, and they were trying to kill me. Their fatal flaw was being less prepared than I was. I don’t hate them for what they did; many surely believed in their cause as I believed in mine. I don’t pity them either, they picked a fight and lost. I don’t mourn their death, although i’m sure someone loved them, we all know the risks of that lifestyle. Most strangely it seems, however, I don’t feel guilt for what I did either. I really don’t feel strongly about it at all. I’m not sad, angry, or even happy; I’m indifferent.
Not wanting to talk about it
This post has sat in my queue in “drafts” for weeks because it sounds so damn crazy. Society and all those who don’t experience combat tell us we should feel something. We are bombarded with movies, images, and articles telling us how we should feel. It’s as if they think i’m afraid of reliving things I’ve seen.
No. I’m not afraid.
I’m cautious because I know what I’m capable of. I know how easy it is to snuff out a life, and that gives me more respect for the fragility of existence.
Death is easy, living is hard. Don’t quit.
-LJF
Don’t worry Brother. I didn’t feel shit either. Thanks for sharing though, and keep writing. Whether you’re drafting or publishing, keep getting the thoughts out of your skull. You’re doing strong work, and I’m betting that it helps, at least some. Keep your head up.
The way I always thought of it was that we all made our choices which led us to the battlefield, both them and us and everyone who places themselves in that situation bears some responsibility for what happens to them as well as the guy who kills them. I accepted that and I believed others should too so I never got particularly hung up about enemy dead.
My attitude also changed as time went on. At the beginning I had no particular interest in killing anyone but by the end I felt pleased every time I saw or heard of one of these guys getting killed. I didn’t hate them, I was just angry about being scared all the time. Now, like yourself, I don’t feel much of anything about it, other than its not polite conversation.
SPOT ON. you put into words what has been floating around in my head for years.
All well said. No one gets to decide how you should feel about something. That is up to you.
Louis, I have read extensively of your writings, and find them clear and concise. Marine vet here, 74 88.
I think that your detachment is good. They have decided to oppose you and your battle brothers. Some will fall in the contest. Everyone is dedicated to their cause, and I personally think it’s good that you can understand that your enemy is not necessarily a gaggle of rabid beasts, but other humans that may very well believe as strongly, or even more strongly than you do in your cause.
Honor your enemy, understand that he is not necessarily evil, but that you must kill him, for he stands against you and yours. IMHO.